Who was I?

Holy crap. Babies can really suck the individuality out of a person. It seems to me that there is nothing more draining on a person than the demands of a new born child. The diapers and the nursing and the diapers and the nursing and the diapers and the nursing. There certainly isn't a ton of time for other pursuits.

Add that to the demands of grad school professors, who want all kinds of papers on all kinds of things a person may or may not actually care about. And the reading that isn't for pleasure but is required and tediously avoided at all costs.

Well...I want to know who I am again. I want to read literature and take pictures (of a subject other than my child...although I am still going to take a shitload of those, cause he is hella cute afterall). What else do I want to do? Who do I want to be. I feel like I am at a place in my life right now, where I might be able to develop other interests. I don't mean to say that my energy will still not be directed toward Reed. He is a toddler after all, and very demanding. But I want more. I want to be a mom with other interests. A mom with a life. I certainly hope that is possible.

I just started a garden...thanks Julia. And although I think the cold snap killed my cucumbers, the rest of my plants are growing. My broccoli looks amazing! My basil is already delicious, and as luck would have it, my poisonous strawberry plant is thriving!

I also started and internship at the Vera Project. I am super excited about this. It is very similar to the organization I was part of in high school, Involving Youth, but it is much bigger. Music and art for all ages. I just started the other day. I hope it goes well.

And school is over for the quarter in three weeks. I think I'll start reading again then.

The internship is only three days a week, which means I will have lots of time for Reed and lots of time for work, and maybe even some time for myself. Excellent.

Newfound Independence

I am in a state of mourning right now. I have been for the past week or so. I never thought that giving this up would take me on this journey. I thought I was going to be ecstatic to give this up. But I was wrong. I find myself jealous of new parents, thinking that they are so lucky to just be starting.

Reed has stopped nursing. It was his choice, not mine. I am a fan of child-led weaning...that means, letting the child decide when he is done nursing. I knew I wanted to make it to one year and I knew that two years seemed like too long for me, even though that is what the World Health Organization recommends. But now, at fifteen months, I feel like I want to keep nursing. Reed however had other plans. For the past few weeks, at naptime and bedtime, Reed has nursed, but it really felt as if he was doing this for me. He would look up at me, bored, not really eating, just kind of hanging out.

Around the same time, I found out I would be doing an internship that would take me away from home two days a week at bedtime. So, his boredom and my imminent responsibilities led us to this conclusion.

The first two nights that Reed went to sleep without nursing were easy for him, and agony for me. I was torn up with emotions that I was not expecting at all. How could this be so easy for him? He doesn't even need me anymore! I might as well just send him to college, cause I have done everything I can for him. I was an absolute emotional wreck. I was moody. I couldn't stop crying. It was ridiculously hard and I had no idea that I was so unprepared for this. The third night, it seemed to hit him that he didn't get to nurse anymore cause there was a lot of screaming. The past couple of nights have been easier for both of us. He babbles in his crib till he falls asleep and I only cry a little bit and only make outrageous statements about sending him to Kindergarten.

I have noticed a seemingly major change in my sweet boy. While he is still happy and smiley, he just isn't very affectionate anymore. Last week he gave hugs freely and kisses on command. Now he is much more cautious with his affection. It is as if I already embarrass him when I ask for kisses for mommy. Ugh. I might as well just drop him off at high school if I can't kiss him in public anymore!